


What if...?

by CuckooTrooke



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Alternate Reality, Cute, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Love, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 06:25:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13184238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuckooTrooke/pseuds/CuckooTrooke
Summary: What if april 2013 happened a bit differently? How many things could have gone differently followed by that?





	What if...?

**Author's Note:**

> Be sharp. Read twice. It's not that complex. It's just 'What if?'.
> 
> And yes, I KNOW they didn't meet up when Adam was sick in 2015. It's what IF.

_People always have too many 'What if's. What if I never did that and what if I never said that. Or reversed, what if **I would have** done that and said that. _

********

********

___Would things be differently? Every action has consequences_. _Consequences you'll never know. You'll only know the ones that comes from the actions you chose. Not from the ones you didn't...How many things could have been differently because of **one** different sentence? _ _ _

__

____

**~ 2013 ~**

Silence has never been so painful and heavy over them. Never.

When they met, it was always still so... Exciting. They couldn't always find words for so many reasons but it never felt uncomfortable. 

But now,,, it feels like you could cut it through it with a knife. And the look on Adam's face...

"So is that it for us?" He asked quietly, "I mean, I... I did not see this coming. I mean _I did_ but somehow I still-"

"I know" Sauli whispered, reaching out to squeeze Adam's hand into his, "Me neither"

Adam sighed heavily, blinking fast as he glanced at the ceiling. It was enough to break Sauli's heart all over again because it has always been an indicator that Adam's going to burst into tears any second. And this it not what he wants, no. Not at all. But loving someone who is almost never physically there lately, slowly kills him inside. 

It was pain to bring it up. They've both seen it coming; The tension around them had been getting worse and worse every day and that was not the kind of relationship either of them wanted.

Sauli was sure he'd be here for years and years more. But sometimes life just doesn't go the way you planned or wanted. It makes sure to stomp you down hard and even kick the dirt on your face as a reminder that you failed. 

"I don't know what else to say..." Adam said, his voice cracking, "I thought-"

"I did too" Sauli said before Adam could even finish, his own throat burning too. 

"Is this really it?" Adam asked again, his teary eyes squinted like he couldn't believe it. To be honest, Sauli couldn't either. All the time he wished this was just a bad dream he can wake up from and everything is good again.

He has never been happier in his life than he has been with Adam. 

Surely he's generally a happy guy but with Adam there is this _something_ that he has been missing for a long time. Not just love. It goes way beyond that. 

Sauli inhaled deeply, closing his eyes.

_"I think so... But I still want you in my life. I **need** you in my life. My feelings for you haven't changed... But I think it's better for both of us to,,, part ways. This can't go on like this..." _

"It doesn't have to be..." Sauli whispered, gently cupping Adam's face between his palms. Adam's eyes were wide in confusion. 

"You hear me? We'll work this out somehow. I can travel whenever I can to see you... This won't part us, okay?"

Adam nodded, the shock still written on his face. He exhaled in relief, blinking the tears out of his eyes and Sauli caught them with his thumbs. 

"It's just distance. Miles" Sauli convinced them both and leaned over to kiss Adam between his eyebrows, then his cheek and finally the left side of Adam's chest through the fabric of his shirt, then pressed his cheek against the spot, "No distance in here"

Adam chuckled weakly, wrapping his arms around Sauli's head and lowered them both down on the couch. Sauli could hear the fast thudding of Adam's heart. 

"I can't believe we had that conversation..." Adam said, twirling his fingers around in the longer locks on top of Sauli's head, "I can't imagine if we were over... You've made me feel so balanced in all of this. And not just when it comes to my career but as a person"

"I know, I know... We'll work this out. We _must_ " Sauli whispered, "I'm sure there is a way"

**~2014~**

"He had one too many" Adam stated as he eyed the dog lying around next to the swing.

Sauli snickered,

"Like you last night"

"Just take the damn pic" 

"I will, I will" Sauli grinned. He snapped the photo of the 'passed out' dog and Adam, and put his phone back inside the pocket of his shorts. He stepped back to the swing, the sand perfectly rough beneath the bottoms of his feet, and sat on Adam's knee.

Adam grunted, wrapping his other arm around Sauli's waist to keep him from falling,

"I don't know if the swing will hold us both" He said. 

"Well, it's not my ass that'd get the hit" 

"Oh yeah?" Adam gasped, tweaking Sauli's side and the squirm caused the swing to creak some more, "That's so sweet of you to say"

Sauli snickered, pulling Adam's head to his chest for a second and kissed his head through the hat Adam was wearing. When Adam straightened his head, Sauli gave him one kiss on his lips too. 

"It feels so strange to spend Christmas like this" Sauli admitted, "I've always spent it in more... Domestic enviroments? This is different"

"Good different?" Adam asked, setting both of his feet steadily on the sand so he could wrap both of his arms around Sauli. He laced his fingers on top of Sauli's hipbone. 

Sauli nodded,

"Sure. I mean why not. It's just different" He shrugged, kneading the muscles on the back of Adam's neck just to hear him sigh in bliss, "And as long as I am with you, I don't care where were at or what we do" 

He knows Adam doesn't really even celebrate Christmas, so. Surely he _can_ but it's never been that much of a deal to him. Sauli loves that Adam spent one Christmas with him with his family in Finland. It was really important to them both for so many reasons. 

Adam smiled, pecking Sauli on the lips once more,

"I love you"

"I love you more" Sauli smiled back, chasing after another kiss. He cradled the back of Adam's neck and put some more force in the kiss. Adam moaned in bliss; So quiet only Sauli was able to hear it. 

Adam tightened his arms around Sauli's body and dared to let the tip of his tongue slip in the game. Neither of them wanted to pull away but neither of them also wanted to show too much affection in public places. 

Nor carry hard-ons in their shorts around the beach. 

Adam rested his hands a little lower than Sauli's hip,

"Should we go back to our lil' bungalow?" He asked, murmuring. 

"Mm" Sauli hummed, licking his lips, "Maybe we should" 

Sauli slid off Adam's lap and grabbed his sandals from the sand. He eyed Adam from the corner of his eye; Admiring his long and lean, bare legs. 

Sauli slipped his feet to the sandals and grabbed Adam's hand when he reached it out for him. They walked through the beach back to their accomodation, hand in hand. With no fear of paparazzi jumping from somewhere. 

Not that it has ever bothered Sauli, it was Adam who always thought it's a big deal to him. Sauli just kind of found it hilarious. Who really cares if they buy carrots from the store? 

Once back at their bedroom, Sauli, as well as Adam, put his phone on the nightstand along with the sunglasses. Adam took off his hat as well, tossing it on the chair nearby. He ran his hand through his hair once and ruffled it up a bit. 

Sauli got on the bed and crawled on the other side, sitting on the edge. Adam stood between his knees and pressed his hand flat on Sauli's chest, applying enough pressure for Sauli to get the hint and lay down. He didn't even need the hint; He got it when Adam asked if they should get back. 

Sauli grinned when Adam lay between his gaped legs, bringing their faces close. Adam's face matched his. Sauli kissed the foolish grin off, though he enjoyed nothing more than seeing Adam smile so bright and genuine. _At him_. **Because of him**.

He pushed the hem of Adam's top up and out of the way, wrapping his arms around his bare waist and hooked his foot behind Adam's leg. 

"I haven't taken a shower today" Adam informed like it was important. 

"And?" Sauli chuckled, "Me neither"

"There's probably sand everywhere. The sunscreen was sticky" Adam said, scruching his nose. 

"After burning man, no amount of sand in any place can surprise me" 

It was _everywhere_. They made their bathroom a steam room and sat in the shower for hours after getting home. Sauli had never felt dirtier (physically) than he did back then. 

"Good point" Adam said thoughtfully. Sauli just kept smiling, bringing his other hand on the back of Adam's head and pulled his head down; Aligning their mouths.

**~2015~**

 

Adam has been sick abroad while Sauli has been home too many times and it's always painful not to be able to do anything even slightly helpful. 

He most definitely doesn't enjoy watching Adam being sick but it was better than being at home and thinking how he is at the moment. All the way across the globe. 

They've really done lots of work to make their schedules work even when Adam is working. Sauli decided long time ago that whenever Adam works in Europe for longer periods of time, he tries to come to Finland so it's easier for them to meet up during his touring. 

They met in Amsterdam already and that was supposed to be it until the final shows in UK. But when Adam texted him that he feels like he's getting sick, Sauli decided to be there for him this time. 

He flew to Adam and thank God he did, because it only got worse the day after Frankfurt when they were supposed to have a show in Brussels. It was obviously cancelled. 

Sauli wrapped Adam inside a blanket like a baby and pulled him in his arms. Adam didn't feel feverish in the morning but now he was beginning to feel more tired and chilly. 

"Think about all those people..." Adam said quietly, his voice raspy, "God knows how long some of them have been waiting to witness something like this live"

Sauli sighed, 

"Anyone who isn't a total dick will understand"

"I saw someone say that I just make a big deal out of it" Adam said, completely ignoring what Sauli had just said, "And that 'a little cough' shouldn't-"

"Ignore them" Sauli interrupted, "They know nothing"

Adam doesn't usually bat an eye for things like that. Or at least so he claims but Sauli knows certain things can cut a little deeper than others. 

"I'm so happy you're here" Adam whispered then, nuzzling to Sauli's chest, "I didn't expect you to jump to a plane"

"Anything for you" Sauli murmured, squeezing Adam against him and gently rubbed his back. Earlier today Adam could barely keep his coughs under control so Sauli is glad it has winded down a bit. 

He wouldn't mind if Adam fell asleep on top of him. He would probably get a heat stroke himself under all the layers of covers plus the warmth of Adam's body. 

"My throat hurts" Adam said then, his voice small and quiet like he was still thinking about the person who had said he makes a big deal out of nothing. 

Sauli would like to tell that person to sing Another One Bites the Dust with a sore throat and infected bronchial tubes. Then see who is complaining for nothing. Jerk. 

"I know" Sauli cooed, "You want some water?" 

Adam nodded,

"Yeah. Are there still tea bags left?"

"There should be" Sauli said as he reached out to grab the water bottle from the nightstand and gave it to Adam, then slid off the bed once Adam had sat up. He went for the counter top to switch the water boiler on, then browsed through the tea bags Adam's assistant had brought in.

"Which flavor?"

"Just the normal one but add some honey in it" 

"Okay" Sauli smiled and fetched Adam's cup from his nightstand. He waited for the water to boil and looked at Adam who was back under the blanket. 

When the water was ready, Sauli prepared the tea and brought it on Adam's nightstand. 

"You should drink it while it's still hot" Sauli said gently and sat against the headboard of the bed. 

"I will. Right now it's still _too_ hot though" Adam pointed out, "Come down here and hold me" he pleaded, tugging on Sauli's arm. 

Sauli smiled, sliding down. He pulled Adam to him once again and kissed the top of his head. 

"How are you feeling?" He asked. 

"Meh. Definitely not my best day but I live. All the discomfort and ache in my body would multiply by ten if you weren't here. I appreciate that you came" Adam said and looked up at Sauli with a tired smile. 

Sauli brushed the tip of his nose with a fingertip, 

"Of course. I've said it before; Anything for you"

"Can I get a kiss?" Adam asked and the second the words left his mouth, he turned his head and sneezed to his arm. 

Sauli's face twitched in displeasure. 

Adam turned his head back and innocently smiled,

"Please?"

Try saying no to _that_. And on top of that, Adam was indeed sick. Sauli would try to catch an unicorn if that is what Adam wanted now. 

Sauli gave one little peck on Adam's lips. 

"I love you so much, did you know that?"

**~2017~**

"I really need to use the bathroom"

Sauli moaned in protest, squeezing his arms around Adam's neck even tighter. 

"And I need to breathe too"

Sauli chuckled, loosening his hold a notch. He didn't want to make Adam pass out from the lack of air. He just couldn't seem to let go; They had been apart just for a couple of weeks but it felt like forever. 

A few Europe shows left and then UK and Ireland. Then they can go home again and just _be_ until the Australia and New Zealand, Sauli told himself. He can do this. 

Of course he can do this. Thankfully this time he has been in Finland and not all alone in their shared home, clutching onto Adam's pillow or clothes that smell like him. 

Once Sauli even sprayed one of Adam's fragrances on his own pillowcase just so he could smell the familiar scent when we went to bed. When he closed his eyes, he could imagine him there. Obviously nothing compared to the warmth of Adam's body though. His hot skin, perfectly prickly with his fair body hair and just the scent of _him_. Maybe it was his breath or something, but there was something that Sauli couldn't smell from the perfume. 

Sauli finally let go so Adam could use the bathroom. The second he was out though, they were all over each other again. The hug is always the first - Then comes _the_ kiss. The kiss where your hands roam all over and you're all but devouring the other person. Sometimes it leads to sex and sometimes it doesn't.

After the long, heady kiss, Adam collapsed on the bed and Sauli kindly pulled Adam's boot off his foot.

"Are you excited for the show?" Adam asked when Sauli went for the other shoe. 

"Of course" Sauli said, tossing the boots aside and got on the bed as well, snuggling to Adam's side, "I'm always excited for your shows"

"Even when they are on our anniversary?" Adam asked, squeezing Sauli against himself and buried his nose to his hair. 

Sauli sighed, smiling. They talked about this the second Adam knew the tour dates. They knew one show would be on their anniversary and they couldn't make their schedules to meet up. 

"We had this conversation. I told you it's okay" He said, affectionately rubbing Adam's stomach, "And I enjoyed our little skype session too"

Adam's body shook with his partly sheepish chuckles that he muted in Sauli's hair. 

"You're welcome" He said. Sauli propped himself up on the support of his elbow and gazed into Adam's eyes, smiling. He could see that he was tired but not completely exhausted. He was happy to notice that because there have been times when Adam has been plain exhausted; Simply worn out. 

"I missed you like crazy" Adam whispered then, "I hate that there's two sides to the touring. I hate going to sleep alone..."

"Shh" Sauli hushed, "We're here now. And sometimes it's good to give ourselves some time to miss each other" He said, twirling his finger in Adam's hair. 

"Are you saying that you'd get bored with me?" Adam asked. He was joking, Sauli could see it from his face.

"Well..." Sauli said thoughtfully. 

"Oh, you-!" Adam snickered, trying to pinch Sauli's side but Sauli knew it was coming and he swatted his hand off before it even reached him. 

He managed to poke Adam instead. Adam chuckled, squirming away. 

"Stop it" He said between his snickers, but grew serious in seconds, "I still get scared every time... Somehow I'm always waiting for _that_ look to appear on your face again..."

A sad frown made its way on Sauli's face and he petted Adam's cheek with a forefinger,

"No. It won't happen. We've done great... It just takes some more patience and commitment"

Adam nodded. 

"You know what I was afraid at some point?" Sauli asked softly, still petting Adam's cheek. 

"Mm?"

Sauli bit his lip, wondering how should he put it without upsetting Adam too much.

"I was afraid that I was not going to be enough for you. I thought about all those other boys in the clubs and concerts... "

Adam frowned,

"Don't you trust me?"

" _Of course_ I trust you. But I, as well as you, have demons whispering things"

The frown left Adam's face and the softness came back,

"I spent years looking for the real love... I ain't going to screw it up with some bodily needs and impulses" He said confidently and gazed into Sauli's eyes, "And I haven't even gotten such needs while on the road. Ever. You remember when I told you how I was afraid about getting tempted?"

Sauli nodded. That was an odd but honest conversation and Sauli is glad Adam told him about his fears. Sometimes it's not just about how much you trust the other person but how much you trust _yourself_.

"I never got tempted. And I still haven't. I feel content with you"

Sauli knows that Adam is being sensitive with him. He does the same with Adam, obviously. He hasn't gotten tempted to do anything stupid either, but he can't say he hasn't seen any pretty faces along the way. 

That's just life. Of course Adam's is still the prettiest and neither of them look at anyone else when they are out together. 

"Likewise" Sauli said, pecking Adam on the lips. When Adam touched the side of his neck, Sauli frowned at how cold it still felt, and grabbed the hand into his, "How can your hands still be cold? They were under my shirt just a few minutes ago"

"It's cold!" Adam squeaked, "It's November!"

Sauli chuckled and kissed Adam's fingers. 

"You should take a hot shower"

"Only if you join me" Adam winked. 

Sauli hummed thoughtfully. He already took a shower earlier today but showering _with Adam_ after weeks sounds the kind of fun he doesn't want to miss. 

"Yeah" He said, pushing himself up, "Of course"

You should probably be sensually undressing each other now; peel clothes off piece by piece, but they've gone through the routine so many times it does no longer go like in the movies. Sauli undressed himself like Adam did with himself but obviously he still _looked_. 

The suite even has its own sauna and Sauli cursed himself for not putting it ready, but shower can do now, so they just fumbled together inside the roomy shower stall. 

Adam turned on the water and pulled Sauli under the spray too. The gentle beat of the hot water felt heavenly on Adam's tired, chilly body. He bent his head back and let the water pour down on his face, washing away all the dirt and dust of travelling. 

Sauli's smile was sultry as he placed his hands high on Adam's sides and kneeled down, sliding his hands down along and brought them on Adam's hips.

Adam pulled his head back up, blowing the excessive water off his lips to prevent it from getting into his mouth, and ran his hand down his face before opening his eyes. He looked down at Sauli whose face was as innocent as it could be but those eyes didn't fool anybody. 

When Sauli took a firm hold of his cock, Adam leaned against the wall and set his feet wider apart, forgetting just how slippery the wet floor can be and his other foot slipped. They both squeaked, frightened, and Adam quickly grabbed the shower faucet for support.

"Easy" Sauli snickered, still stroking Adam's slowly hardening length, "You good there? Or do you wanna sit down?"

"I'm good" Adam said, holding onto the faucet just in case. Sauli nodded, the smile slowly leaving his face and he leaned close to wrap his lips around the head of Adam's cock.

**~Present~**

 

_So many different scenarios..._

"You both still dreaming?" Adam asked, appearing in Sauli's vision with a cup of coffee, "I made you some coffee"

"Since when have you been a morning person?" Sauli asked with a smile, sitting up and took the cup from Adam's hand. His own hands felt surprisingly shaky for some reason.

"Since never" Adam said with an easy smile and sat down on the bed, scratching Pharaoh's tummy with his free hand, "But for you I am"

Right now even those simple words stung a little harder than normally. Adam is still a little jetlagged and that is the only reason he's up on the times that are unusual to him. 

"Were you still asleep though?" Adam asked, gently wiggling Pharaoh's paw who was still as out as one can be. 

"Nah. Just went down to a memory lane" Sauli said, taking a sip of his coffee, "Well, memories that don't really exist"

Adam gave him a look; His other eyebrow cocked up and a crooked smile playing on his lips. 

"But could have been" Sauli added with a dim smile. It's strange how vivid it all had seemed inside his head just minutes ago. So vivid Sauli had almost placed his hand on Adam's thigh when he came on the bed.

Adam looked at him with understanding eyes.

"If there was a rewind button in life, do you think you would have used it?" Sauli asked.

Adam took a long thoughtful breath and shrugged,

"I believe there is a reason to everything... But sure. There are some things I wish could have gone diffefently" 

Sauli nodded. He didn't want to ask any details.

"Why?" Adam asked.

"Just curious" Sauli smiled, taking another sip of his coffee. 

It's not like they have never 'done it' after their break up. There have been several occasions when they got a little carried away but they haven't made a big deal out of it. They know each other inside out and who else could provide better sex than someone who knows you thoroughly?

Sauli cherishes the rare occasions when he gets to spend more time with Adam. He loves their friendship - loves how comfortable they still are with each other. Adam's pretty much his best friend. 

He has been since they were dating and that never changed. They can to each other about anything and he's so grateful for that. 

But there will always be a part inside of him that keeps asking _what if...?_

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to do something to keep my brains working haha.  
> In case I won't update before NYE, I wish you all a very nice 2018 and hopefully your 2017 rocked.  
> Mine most certainly didn't but I learned a lot from lot of things. 
> 
> And also, PLZ go and read this amazing start of a fic;
> 
>  
> 
> [Underground](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13178247)


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